I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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