did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
