don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
