My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize