I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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