Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Randomize
