If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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