my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize