Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
