Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
