I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
what day is it and did you see me today?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
