Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
