So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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