Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize