dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
