I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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