Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
