i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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