after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
