In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
