I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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