The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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