I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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