she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You're earring is so big in my mouth
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
