the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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