Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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