I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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