I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
