Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
