Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
