i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
