Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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