I met the friendliest cop last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
