Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Houston, we have a blender
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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