i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
