My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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