woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
