I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
