so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
