she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize