My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
