I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
