I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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