There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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