There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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