Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
