He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
