the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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