Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
