I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
