I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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