Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
