Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
