Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
