in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
