I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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