So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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