quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
