So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
