Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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