she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
