When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
