Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
