Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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