He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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