God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
